I wanted to share this testimony from a dear friend of mine. It is so very powerful and speaks volumes about the love that God has for each and every one of us. Enjoy :) I shall warn it is very long... but SUCH an inspiring and uplifting story. It will definetly tug on your heart strings.
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“Take away love and our Earth is a tomb”
-Robert Browning-
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Feb. 14, 2010
Dear Grandpa, Grandma, and Reader,
Please grab yourself a cup of coffee or tea, find yourself a quiet place, and make yourself comfortable as I humbly open myself up to you as you would a book. Read carefully, and please judge me with your heart, as I take you on a little journey, and with the love that is in me, paint you a picture.
I’m sitting here in my tiny little cell, cell 30, which has been my home for the past 58 days. The sound of flip flops clopping, conversations converging, plastic chairs scooting, toilets flushing all around me, and the inevitable outburst of cursing. This is no place for a human being. It’s a gift to have even a soft cushion to sit on, because in here, nothing is soft. The despair in the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife. There is no privacy, and you’re surrounded by men, who having once been free to roam society as selfish menaces, come here, and learn how to be even more selfish and menacing. Everything is cold, concrete, and steel, the towels, and blankets are scratchy, and dirty, and who knows who used them before you. The food mind as well be cat food or the slop you feed pigs. Yet I sit here in striped pajamas greasy, unshaven, hair looking like I just stuck a knife in an electrical outlet with joy inexpressible, a sheep in wolves clothing.
I find it hard to sleep at night because my mind is brimming with ideahs, dreams, and visions of the future. I can’t begin to express how grateful and excited I am. The Lord has given me yet another chance. We are so like little babes learning how to walk, we fall down and our loving Father picks us up, and says “try again lad.”
Thus far this has been a most pivotal, milestone experience and highlight of my life. Nobody really knows just how near to destruction I really was. If not for the grace of God I very well could have fell into the “deep end,” as they say. I realize now that going to the edge has always been in my nature. When I was very young, I think 5, my dad took my brother, my sister, and I to Multnomah Falls. If you grew up in the Pacific Northwest chances are you’ve been there yourself. We hiked the full mile to the top were a deck had been made so visitors can literally stand above the point where the water breaks to make its descent. One gets a sense of accomplishment once you reach this deck. To my sister, Jessi, if you’re reading this, you’re a cheater because you were on dad’s shoulders most of the time. Just like at Stonehenge. In any case, when nobody was looking I squeezed through the metal bars with two feet resting on mossy, wet rocks, one hand holding on to a bar, and a death wish in the other. I think the reason for doing this was because I couldn’t see directly down enough to satisfy my curiosity. My dad’s back was turned, and he noticed a group of ladies staring directly behind him with eyes as big as cabbages. He picked me up with one mighty arm, lips pressed white together, and a glare fierce enough to shrink a savage dawg as he proceeded to publicly paddle my skinny brown butt, and to my humiliation an approving crowd clapping encouragingly, and repeating “good daddy,” heads bobbing like bobble heads. Yes, even now I remember the scene.
Grandpa, remember telling us grand kids how children will push, and push to see how much they can get away with? Well that attitude coupled with my thrill seeking personality is what I realize now was a major contributing factor to me developing addictions. In the words of the Navajo from the movie Young Guns, “bad medicine my friend.
When I first discovered drugs at the age of 13, first weed, I became fascinated with altering my reality. I was like *wow that was cool, I wonder what this will do?* Weed turned to cocaine, cocaine turned to meth, alcohol joined in, and I started smoking cigarettes. Sometimes I’d mix and match drugs. I’ve done ecstasy, vicatin, snorted crushed Ritalin pills, perkiset, smoked oxy-contin on tin foil at 80$ a pill! Opium, Hash, Psychedelic mushrooms gymsum weed, cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid, whippets, acid. The only thing I haven’t tried was Heroin, and peyote or shot up anything with needles *thank God*, but I’m sure at the time I would have tried it if it was available.
On an alter of drugs I had sacrificed the innocents of my youth. I should be in a rubber room right now instead of this re-enforced concrete room with petrified boogers on the walls. Who can grab coals, and not get burned?
Then when I was 15 years old I nearly died of a drug overdose at a drug festival called “Barter Faire” at a town near boundary dam on the border of Canada, and Washington State. Scenes from the movie The Postman with Kevin Costner were filmed there, just a fun fact…anyways
*sniff..sniff..It smells like stale, two month old Filipino in here, I can’t wait to take a normal shower, this is sad I don’t know whether to laugh or cry?*
Ok, I know I joke, but what I’m about to tell you is serious business, I’m eternally blessed, some are not so fortunate, including a very dear friend of mine, Lori, who died in a bathtub because of Meth. Cradling her knees to here chest scared as hell.
It’s all a wee bit fuzzy, but I remember the stars being exceedingly brilliant, the milky way stretching across the sky, seeing the northern lights for the first time, and hundreds of people everywhere, tents, trailers, cars, a music stage, even kids running around naked, pot smoke everywhere, drum circles, people bartering homemade goods, homegrown goods, and my fingers looking like octopus tentacles?...What the heck? Ok I was really high on mushrooms, among other things, you can never be 100% sure, and I was on a mission to get as messed up as possible. Well I was sitting next to a campfire, my vision was blurring, people started to sway like a candle flame, and my head feeling like it was in a vice and my liver vibrating…or was it my pancreas? I dunno I’m an artist not a doctor. Then nothing.
Blackout
I don’t know how much time went by, but all of a sudden it felt like my spirit rushing back into my body is the only way I know how to describe it. Whether or not I had just experienced a real “out-of-body” experience I can’t say for certain, or it just being the drugs is a mystery, all I know is as soon as that rushing into myself sensation happened I gasped a deep breath, and jumped to my feet quite quickly. I knew something strange had occurred only not sure what. I was surrounded by hippies or at least hippie wanna-be’s, and they said I was twitching in the dirt, and that it looked like something was bubbling or crawling in my neck. I remember on guy saying “are you ok man, dude you just fell?”
There I was 15 almost 16, 500 or so miles from home, I had ran away with my so-called “friends” none of whom, by the way, tried to help, nor were they around to help. I assume they were busy being lost amongst the lost. All this, and I nearly died, my only words of comfort being “dude man, you just fell.”
This experience scared me tremendously, I was my own worst enemy, and I knew I had to save myself from myself. Around this time I was really searching for answers, I began reading a lot of new age material and became fascinated with the soul and spirit. I’d lock myself in my room, shut off my lights, and duck under a bunch of covers in a closed closet so as to get completely away from light. I would then press the palms of my hands on my eyeballs, and watch the inner lights of my own being morph and dance into all sorts of shapes on the back of my eyelids. I began reading my bible you gave me on my 14th Birthday, and started praying. I didn’t realize I was actually taking a step towards God...At the time that is. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8)
“Love is the art of hearts, and the heart of arts”
-Philip James Bailey-
One would assume that such an experience would have killed my curiosity, but as we have seen with my life such was not the case. I can see now that God allows us to make mistakes, to be filled to the full of our own ways, like a dog returning to its’ own vomit, till wake up, and realize *you know what? This is freakin gross man* And I can fill this whole page with scriptural applications. See (Proverbs 14:14) for one
It is my personal belief that God spared me that night in the woods at Barter Fair, knowing He had bigger plans for my life. In fact I’m quite sure of it….
“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord! And I will bring you back from your captivity: I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places were I have driven you, says the Lord! And I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
It was the summer of 2001, Y2K turned out to be a big sham, and America was about to get a huge sucker punch on the 11th day of September…Or was it a sucker punch?
In any case, I came to Shiloh Farm to visit you, and grandma, and boy did I pull the wool over your eyes. I knew it would be hard for me to get in trouble down there in Oregon, and that God-shaped hole inside of me was searching for the missing piece of the puzzle only He can fill through faith in Jesus, and that goes for everyone. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
You, and grandma spent 95$ for me to go to the church camp, Elkanah, with the Spray Assembly, and pastor John King. 95$ is a lot of money, I grew up poor so it was like a thousand dollars to me. Although I was grateful, I was thinking at the time that you two were wasting your money. Within my sinful self I mocked the idea. My thoughts about this church camp were like *This is going to be retarded, a bunch of misfit kids holding hands, and singing koom-by-yah around a campfire, how gay, maybe I can corrupt a goody-goody Christian girl or something.*
How disgusting, how arrogant, and totally foolish was my thinking! Such were my plans, but God had His plans also, plans to give me “a future and a hope.”
For two days I watched other people respond to the alter calls at the end of each worship service. Kids, teens, and adults alike were getting saved before my very eyes. The Spirit of God could be felt, there was no mistaking it. All around me people were full of joy. Their faith was sincere, they were excited, and I could sense that it was genuine. I wanted it! I wanted to know the reason behind the tears then the joyful laughter following them. *did somebody put ecstasy in the coffee pots?* I wondered. How is it that they jump, and shout making joyful noises with their hands out-stretched to the sky without being embarrassed? I thought I knew it all, after all I went to Sunday school when I was a little kid, and that means I know all there is to know about this God business right?
Remember when I was in the children’s choir at Basin City Baptist Church? I used to sing “I may never march in the infantry, ride in the Calvary, shoot the artillery, because I’m in the Lords army?”
Well the third night rolled along, and that whole day I had been wrestling with the idea of responding to one of these alter calls, I was trying to gather up the courage to walk up to the front of the crowds. I wanted to badly, something was tugging at me, yet at the same time my mind was being filled with all kinds of doubts. *What will they think of me? What if I look stupid? *
I talked with pastor John King about it. He said “well, do you feel anything?” I said “yeah, sometimes I get prickly feelings on the back of my neck, and the little hairs on my arms stand on end.” John told me that, “when you’re sitting in your seat during these alter calls, and you get the ‘prickly’ feelings, it’s like sitting next to a pool with other kids playing in it…your only getting the splashes, you need to just stand up, and jump on in…trust me the water is fine!” With a smile on his face, that signature laugh of his, and a sparkle in his eyes, he patted me on the shoulder, and led our little group in prayer.
Since I was born again in 2001 that makes me a 10-year-old child of God. Personally, I believe that when we get that “tugging and prickly” sensation, that need to jump into the pre-verbal “pool” …an angel of the Lord is gently nudging, and encouraging us to move forward. How flattering is that?
In any case, the word was preached, and now the moment I had been thinking about all day had come…the call to repentance. The speaker was yelling “salvation is here! Come, come! Don’t look to the right or to the left, don’t worry about what your neighbor thinks, just come!” The whole time the worship team was playing sweet music, singing “I can sing of your love forever” this was it. *God let this be for real* I thought.
I started walking down the aisle, then speed walking, then running, and as soon as I had reached the front I just dropped to my knees, and on my face DUDE MAN, I JUST FELL!! It was instantaneous, for the first and only time it was like God played pick-a-boo with me. He let me feel Him! He opened up my mind and knowledge of Him flowed like a mighty river! I fell in love instantly, no high on this earth can compare to the infinite love of our creator! Never ever, ever have I felt such an amazing love, it was pure, it just kept pouring on me as if I was standing below a waterfall of love, I thought I was going to burst, I couldn’t contain it, it was beyond understanding, and it wasn’t just for a short moment, it kept pulsating, throbbing with power, and increasing, till I had to ask enough! It was really Him! Jesus is so so real! All I could do was cry profusely and say to Him “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Lord, please forgive me, please live in my heart, please wash away my sins, please, please, please show yourself to my family, and all my friends because they need you so much,” I don’t know how, but I knew that I was at his feet, but I didn’t feel worthy to look up, I thought the pouring stopped, and I tried to stand up, then he cranked the love faucet on a little higher, and I fell back down and cried some more, ( I discovered a year later in my readings that flesh cannot stand against the glory of the Lord).
My “sorry, sorry” turned into “thank you, thank you” and I started to laugh, not funny ‘ha ha’ laughing, but pure unadulterated joy laughter from my spirit, I rebuked the devil, and yelled out loud, tears streaming down my face, eyes red, and fierce with anger “YOU CAN’T GET ME ANYMORE, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!” Then I laughed at him, and called him a “loser” which probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but I was thoroughly pissed off man, when I realized how much destruction he has wreaked upon the whole human race it made me so utterly sad and mad at the same time. That knowledge alone, and with the thought of all your loved ones in mind, should be enough to make you want to fight back.If that doesn't get your fire burning then your wood is wet.
The worship, and act of worshiping God, was soooo intense and powerful, because He himself came to visit us. We praised the creator of the heavens and the earth with utmost sincerity of heart, the world around us fading away in obscurity at His presence. Time ceased to exist, nobody wanted to stop, I think by the time we had stopped it was 2 in the morning and we started at 7 in the evening. None of the adults dared try to stop it, there was no denying what was happening here in the wood of eastern Oregon. We all knew it and yet we all knew that this small taste was but for a moment in time, and that we would be flung back into the hustle and bustle of an ignorant and helplessly fallen world. Mankind concocting every possible contrivance to fill that hole inside of himself, not realizing that what his soul is really trying to speak to him is that we were made for God and only He can bring fulfillment. The day you truly realize this, o reader, will be the day you wipe your own brow and be like *holy smokes I’m glad I figured this out before it was too late* phew!
For that brief and beautiful moment in time, 300 or so of Oregon’s own youth were literally reborn. We shared each other’s birthday. We were on fire! I was completely broken, my shirt, my pants, and the carpet below me all soaked with my tears, our tears, all around me others lay broken on the forest floor, I could scarcely fathom what was actually occurring, totally awe struck, it was more real than reality as we know it, imagine how you would feel if you took a knife, jabbed it in the air and light bursting through and poking your head inside realizing that this whole time there really always was an invisible realm beyond the physical. In fact it is the things that last forever, that we cannot see. This life is about learning to love, to grow in wisdom and the knowledge of God, and to do God’s will, because when you leave your body the only thing you can take with you is the strength of which you learned to love, the wisdom of your mind, ‘the things you can’t see but are there’, and you only get to keep it if you asked Jesus to live inside your heart. You must understand that God is holy. You can’t go on pissing on the cross that He sent His son to die on for all of us, because of sin, doing whatever it is you do that separates you from God thinking you can just waltz right into heaven. And you, O reader, if you are not saved, how bitter will your wailings be after having read this? When you are in Hell, I tell you the truth, this letter will be part of your torment, the knowledge that you had a chance, but didn’t take it, you will claw at your own skull. Even if you don’t believe, would you risk it? Is it not worth making an effort to really search this out, to truly draw near to God in faith and say to him inside yourself “if you are real prove it, cause me to know you, I want to know you Jesus I want to know that these Christians aren’t just some ‘religious fanatics’ Needing something to make them feel good, prove yourself to me.” Go ahead, challenge God, trust me you can't shake Him.
While we were in this state of brokenness, under the light of God revealing the truth of things, a boy about my age was beside me, we instinctively knew that we were brothers, we hugged each other and it was strange because I never met him before in my life yet I loved him, I said “I love you” we laughed, and he said “I know I love you too” lol.
The Lord began to flash images of my own life in my head. There was that lady in the white volts wagon in Rufus Oregon taking us to church, God was there! You and grandma bringing my brother, and sister, and I presents on Christmas, reading to us at night before bedtime, and praying at the dinner table, God was there! Then the Lord let me know, as a matter of fact, that yes, even as I lay balled up on the ground fetal position, next to a campfire twitching, and convulsing off of drugs, people walking right past me stoned out of their minds, the sound of hippie drum circles beating sporadically, Godless people dancing around, and not a damn one of them about to ruin all the fun by calling some form of authority to rescue and save me, like a baby left in a desert naked and alone …yes, even then, God was there!
And now, once more, upon another forest floor, this time at the foot of the cross, without words He spoke to my heart so tenderly…”My heart churns within Me; My sympathy is stirred. I will not execute the fierceness of My anger, I love you so deeply, I have loved you with an everlasting love, with unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you. It was I who taught you how to walk, leading you along by the hand. I led you along with my ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from your neck, and I Myself stooped to feed you. Oh how can I give you up?” (Hosea...somewhere)
I realize that perhaps nobody has heard this account of my testimony, it’s been locked inside of me up until now, and I just felt that it needed to come out. As for the things that have occurred since I was saved up to where I am now, sitting in this cell at Benton County Jail with an extremely numb butt, that is an account of things not necessary to bring up, It would be redundant to tell you of the many hundreds of parties and mischief and tales of a backslidden lifestyle. Praise God, they are now dead and gone. Basically I still had to learn my lessons the hard way.
I can tell you about being molested as a child, me and my sister both at the hands of our babysitter, I can sing you songs of tragedy, of friends who lost their souls, of the demon possessed, I can tell you of poverty and homelessness, of rejection, and a broken heart, abuse, loss, ridicule, bondage and captivity, pain and depression. Indeed my life is a cornucopia of major life changing experiences, and this is yet another bump in the road. If you were to open me up inside, you will find that I’m a gallery of heart break…I can attest that our advisory the devil is indeed like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He comes to steal all the blessings that are yours in a life in the freedom of Christ, to steal what could have been, to steal your happiness, to kill all that is good, to kill you in your sins, to destroy everything that you love and hold dear, to take you down with him. What can men do against such consuming hatred, and evil? Without our King Jesus…nothing I tell you, not a dang thing…
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta-
When Shayla left me…and rightfully so…I became selfish and withdrawn, I didn’t care about much anymore, and tried to drink away her memory. I simply lost sight of that which was most important, and started to believe that I was worthless, and I’ll always be a loser picking up cigarettes out of ash-trays. I had screwed up everything that meant anything to me, and I was destined to be a screw up my whole life. She bore our most precious, and adorable baby boy, Joshua Ethan McLane, not just a little human baby made in the very image of God, but a McLane.
I pretty much lost my family, I wasn’t myself anymore, I punched a bouncer at a club and got my butt kicked, I got a tattoo which I regret, I was a rebellious prodigal, I slept with a photographer knowing she was married! And even though I made good money welding I drank it all away, squandered it on a life of revelry. I’d stumble to my hotel room like a sailor tossed at sea, waking up with blood-shot eyes, and bruises all over, not being able to remember how I got them. I made a sorry attempt at changing my ways when I came to you, and went to Calvary Ranch, yet I still didn’t learn my lesson, what was my consequence?
8 years lost!
And the devil pointing the finger, mocking God, saying “what do you think about this little image of yourself now?!” As I’ve woken up so many times in my own piss and vomit.
To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure at first whether I should tell these things. I’m not proud of any of it, that is why at the beginning of this letter I asked that you judge me with your heart. I’ve done a lot of growing up in here. I’ve learned that one major fiasco, however varied, does not mean ones whole life is a failure. What if Abraham was only remembered as a deceiver, Moses and Jonah as disobedient to God, or David as a murder? Despite their sins, these men are remembered for their persevering faith: “who through faith…out of weakness were made strong”(Hebrews 11:33-34) and that verse you sent me (Job 22:23): If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up.”
For those of you who know me personally, I don’t blame you for your doubts, I’ve been messed up as a substance abuser for so long. That’s ok, I understand, I can’t wait to show you how I’m a love addict now!
I want to share this ancient legend with you, I believe its Persian…
(One day, a wicked, ugly, and selfish man saw a beautiful young woman who captured his heart. Wanting to court her, he put on a Prince Charming mask. He portrayed the part so well that he won the maidens hand. Five years after their marriage, a long time enemy showed up on the scene who sought to destroy the image the man had assumed. He snatched off the man’s disguise. To everyone’s amazement, the face beneath the handsome mask was no longer that of a wretched and selfish man. He had actually turned into Prince Charming!)
The lesson of the legend is that we become what we commit to and focus on all the time. The apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 3:18, “but we all, with open face beholding as in glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the spirit of the Lord.”
For the past 58 days, I’ve been locked in a cold cell, 21 hours a day, eating cat food sandwiches with nothing, but my Bible, and your letters to keep me warm, all because a girl I thought loved me, that I loved, tore my heart out, and I went out and got super drunk at a bar and decided to steal a case of beer! I have done nothing, but eat, sleep, cry, pray, and read my Bible. Guess how many times she wrote me? Once, to tell me she found someone else after only a week, then she sent me pictures of herself telling me to never forget her, and the one time we talked in here she told me to learn how to be a mechanic so I can fixed her car. She said she was getting a tattoo on her back of a dragon. Well good luck with that dragon-lady, I feel sorry for you.
I missed Christmas with my son, had my birthday behind bars, and now here it is Valentine ’s Day, yet I feel so good inside, and driven, Stronger than ever. The hurt may always be there, but every time I think about her being with somebody else I do about a 1,000 pushups, pull-ups and sit ups, and replace it with the Bible and the thought that there is someone far better out there for me, who can match the flame inside me.
I’m 25 years old now; I’ve had a Peter Pan complex for far too long. You know the whole *I don’t wanna grow up” attitude? Sometimes drunk or not, I would cry uncontrollably with the *weight of everything”, and if you were to ask me why, I wouldn’t be able to give you a reason, there just isn’t any word to describe it. To give an account of every shattered piece of your heart is a hurt only God can see. Most people, even ones closest to me think I’m just a wuss, or a big baby. But they have no clue what I’ve been through. Not that I’m exclusively special, for we are all trees in life’s great forest, and when the fires come, and they will, we all get burned. Most people will suffer losses in their lives both great and small. Tragedy comes in a myriad of forms. Sadly many people may never recover. When I thought I was going to prison I wanted to kill myself, I literally closed my eyes and tried to will myself to die. I wished I had never been born. I would think about sticking my head in the toilet and inhaling water, or waiting till razor day and crawl under my bunk and slit myself from the inside of my elbows to my wrists and bleed to death. I wanted to really bad because It became almost unbearable, I felt like God had left me and my life was over, I would never know happiness so what’s the point. But I would see my sons face and that last little light in the darkness that was now my world, that last glimmer of hope became my saving grace. After days of just laying there staring at the wall empty inside, turning down every tray of food. From the bottom of this pit I cried out to God for the sake of my son *Please God, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me, set me free and I swear with all that is in me I will serve you*
I began reading my Bible, it was the only thing that gave me comfort, Gods word was all I had left, Gods word is the only real property we have or thats worth more than anything else. It is written "man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" Then I read what the apostle Paul said, and I can say with him “and he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Read also Psalm 107, it is the theme of this chapter of my life. It describes me to a T. When I fought the forest fire, the "Link Fire", near Sisters Oregon, I learned that even a mighty forest can make a thriving comeback following the most devastating of fires, In fact, periodic fires are needed to ensure large forests can thrive; the fires clear away the undergrowth that can choke out light, nutrients, and water. The world is full of broken people who have learned to triumph and to rise again from the ashes just like the mythical phoenix. I’ve discovered the key to surviving forest fires, is that what’s inside a person needs to be bigger than what’s on the outside, that thing that hits you so freaking hard and knocks you on your butt. Its no great secret, we’ve heard His name so many times before..Jesus!!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us AGAIN to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuiness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love, though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith the salvation of your souls.”
Grandpa…grandma, some time…if time even exists…a trillion earth years from now, for all eternity, out of all the hosts of heaven, you two will be particularly special and precious to me…thank you for planting the seed and watering it. I realize I’m probably the most expensive tree you have ever nurtured. Thank you for being there at my trial, I wasn’t expecting anybody to be there for me, and when I saw you two, tears began to well up in my eyes, and I struggled to keep my composure. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but if you go home before I do, I promise to live life in such a way that you’ll be smiling down upon me from heaven above.
I told you that I found purpose in my life in my last letter…curious to know what??? Well, after much prayer, and a serious self evaluation, I began to asses myself. What am I good at? What Do I love doing? What do I want to be remembered for? How can I glorify God? I’m certain this is my calling, I’ll just come right out, and say it…..*deep breath*….
I want to be a drug and alcohol councilor, and a youth pastor, and if the Lord wills it, someday a senior pastor, or whatever God's will is for my life, all i know is I NEED to be in the ministry in some way, my constant prayer is that HIs will be done, that people would see Him not me, that my thoughts and the meditations of my heart be right and true. all the while becoming the artist and painter He made me to be. My dream is to get some property, and build a rehabilitation camp, “Camp Shiloh”, for teens, young adults, even older adults whoever is in need of deliverance from their chains.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33)
I want work side by side with Teresa Dunn and her horse ranch, and integrate all the tools I’ve acquired from Calvary Ranch, and Camp Elkanah. Perhaps the tithe money can go towards creating other camps, I saw a picture the other day of a Haitian orphan that made me cry. I wanted to pick him up, cloth him, feed him, and give him a warm bed to sleep in so badly. I want to fight against the enemy, free captives, and be a light in this world because I’m thoroughly pissed off with a righteous anger. But more than anything I want to honor the King and cast my own crown at His feet, not just for shedding His precious blood and died for our sins, but simply because He deserves all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise forever and ever.
I plan on turning my own testimony into a book called "lost and found", and since I love chick tracks so much I want to make tracks of my own using my God given talent to draw.
And What does our dear friend Charles Spurgeon have to say? “What a blessed thing it is that if the believer shall, in an evil hour, come into the net, yet God will bring him out of it! O backslider, be cast down, but do not despair. Wonderer though thou hast been, hear what thy Redeemer saith ‘Return, O backsliding children; I will have mercy upon you.’ But you say you cannot return for you are captive. Then listen to the promise ‘Surely He shall deliver thee out of the snare of the fowler’ Thou shalt yet be brought out of all evil into which thou hast fallen, and though thou shalt never cease to repent of thy ways, yet he that hath loved thee will not cast thee away: He will receive thee, and give thee joy and gladness, that the bones which He has broken may rejoice. No bird of paradise shall die in the fowler’s net!” (Psalm 91:3)
If you are not my grandparents, and you are reading this letter, and you don’t know Jesus as your savior, listen to me, I know what I’m talking about, I know the guy, and He’s in the business of changing lives, Jesus isn’t something to be shoved down people’s throats, give Him a shot, sit back, and watch your actions change, watch your priority’s change, your thinking, and everything, He works, I’m not “preaching” as they say, I’m simply sharing this love I found. I found the path leading to eternal life, and I stand at the entrance pointing the way! He’s just one prayer away, He is very near to you, He’s not some mythical icon or a lifeless nativity statue or a painting in a stained glass window, He lives, He loves you more than you’ll ever know and He is as real as the air you are breathing right now! Though you cannot see it, it’s there isn’t it, bringing life into you? For once in your life give Him a fully fledged chance, He died for you He deserves it, and yet you spent more time crying over your dead cat or dog. Do you have eyes to read? Read what He says “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” (Revelations 3:19-20)
Consider yourself rebuked.
“I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining.
I believe in love even when not feeling it.
I believe in God even when God is silent.”
-Inscription on the wall of a jewish hideout cologne, Germany WW11-
Listen folks, It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see that life is too perfect to be a mistake. If not a mistake then done intentionally by an all powerful intelligent being. God is a master artist, and when we look at this beautiful earth, the stars, and the galaxies it is a master piece beyond all human explanation, what a divine compliment it is that out of the infinite galaxies and universes of space the creator of it all would create us in His own image, on this little tiny speck in space, just a few degrees one way, and we all freeze. A few degrees the other and we all burn. We are so privileged, and that He would die for us, the implications are beyond human understanding. No wonder the devil got jealous and envious; don’t let that maniac take you down with him. There are no accidents people. And to you who have children, consider that love you feel as your child sleeps upon your chest, feel their little hearts beat, you can’t tell me that’s an accident. In the grand scheme of things, if we are honest with ourselves, we begin to see design, purpose, and the signature of love written everywhere. No building builds itself, no painting paints itself, how much more our beloved planet, and all of life.
Humankind has been elevated to a godlike status by the faulty philosophies of Darwinism and scientific materialism. They perceive the world and all of life as simply what our “natural senses” tell us. It says that “see is believing”, but I tell you that believing is seeing! Embracing these godless philosophies denies us any genuine aspirations to transcend a world that can be perceived by our senses alone. These beliefs make us each accidental, incidental, and meaningless. Through accepting the belief of God’s design, however we become related, reliant, and replete with meaning. We celebrate the scientific evidence that says we are irreducibly complex, original, beautiful, and integrated. We are all one in design and in our purpose to care for others and let the love of God flow through us to those around us.
“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so they are without excuse,” (Romans 1:20)
Since we are human beings that in tells that we are to BE something. We all have gifts, and if we use those gift and the fruits thereof to help others, and bring about blessings and goodness, we discover our own purpose, this is why Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is too “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind, this is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)
How beautiful is that! That reminds me, I used to clap my sons hands together, and say “you’re a little human, you’re a little human, yaaaay!” just to get that beautiful smile. LoL
To all the women of the world, I pose this question. When you were a little girl, did you ever want to be a princess? If Jesus is our King and we are all God’s children, well guess what? YOU ARE A PRINCESS! Where do you think the desire came from, God has put eternity in all our hearts. Ashley, do you remember when you, Sarah, Courtney, and I played in the John Day River, and Sarah and I would pick you up on our shoulders, and call you Princess Ashley? As far as I’m concerned, all of the woman I know are meant to be princess’s!
Ladies, don't waist the young years of your life on Godless men, there’s a world full of men hoping to take advantage of you by means of appealing to that desire in you for romance and to be appreciated, to feel beautiful and special, yet they are selfish and do not know the Lord, they hope to catch you drunk at a party, or whatever. Stay away from parties and such men. As a princess in God’s royal court it is not fitting for you. Don’t allow yourself to be used. You will end up broken hearted and empty because they do not know true love. God’s love and the Christian walk is what brings fulfillment. Keep trying to find it outside of God’s boundaries and see where it gets you. Meer human passions will NEVER Last. It teases and pleases for a while, then leaves you empty and craving more, with a horrible reputation, a diminished self image, and a twisted sense of real love to boot.
If we desire to know fulfillment in love we must choose to walk in personal commitment to God and to the people we lover first. That is the only way to rid ourselves of selfishness so that we can enjoy the fullness of love that God intended. As we make honest choices to know real love, we will have to face ourselves at our worst. Only then can God begin to change us and reveal the reality of love that He wants us to experience. Because God is love, He alone can define love at its finest for us. See (1 Corinthians 13) read the whole chapter carefully. Jennifer I know you’re getting married soon, congratulations. My only advice is to try and stay away from the words “I, Me, and my” both you and your husband try to use the pronouns: “we, our, and us” studies show that couples who do this last longer. Jessi, do what you do best…copy me! Read your Bible every day, you wouldn’t want me to grow wiser than you would you? Micheal you must seek to know the Lord, you owe it to yourself, and to kai. You are strong, but how will you war against things of the spirit, you mind as well be punching the wind. You must be a guiding light for him. Mom…Dad….Watch your son move mountains!
To everyone, I love you, happy Valentine’s Day. I’ll be getting out soon, as a brand new, rebuilt Ian McLane. This is not just a letter to my grandpa and grandma; it is my love letter to all who read, from the well spring of my heart. And finally this last paint stroke, aimed at you two, my beloved Grandparents.
Do you remember when I was a small child in the Sunday school choir at Basin City Baptist Church? I sure do, being up there singing in front of all those people makes a kid nervous. However, seeing you both staring at me with glowing smiles, I knew you were proud of me, and that was encouraging. Now that I look at it, in a way, you are more than just my grandparents, you’re my guardian angels. I didn’t know at the time, nor could I have, but the words I was singing were not just some silly childish Sunday school song. They came true! For I will never march in the infantry or ride in the cavalry, nor will I ever shoot any artillery shells, BECAUSE I’M IN THE LORDS ARMY!!!
What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he finds it, I tell you, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” -Jesus- Matt 18:13
Sincerely,
The Little wondering sheep. Lost and found, and lost and found again.
Ian Christopher McLane
“Take away love and our Earth is a tomb”
-Robert Browning-
...
Feb. 14, 2010
Dear Grandpa, Grandma, and Reader,
Please grab yourself a cup of coffee or tea, find yourself a quiet place, and make yourself comfortable as I humbly open myself up to you as you would a book. Read carefully, and please judge me with your heart, as I take you on a little journey, and with the love that is in me, paint you a picture.
I’m sitting here in my tiny little cell, cell 30, which has been my home for the past 58 days. The sound of flip flops clopping, conversations converging, plastic chairs scooting, toilets flushing all around me, and the inevitable outburst of cursing. This is no place for a human being. It’s a gift to have even a soft cushion to sit on, because in here, nothing is soft. The despair in the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife. There is no privacy, and you’re surrounded by men, who having once been free to roam society as selfish menaces, come here, and learn how to be even more selfish and menacing. Everything is cold, concrete, and steel, the towels, and blankets are scratchy, and dirty, and who knows who used them before you. The food mind as well be cat food or the slop you feed pigs. Yet I sit here in striped pajamas greasy, unshaven, hair looking like I just stuck a knife in an electrical outlet with joy inexpressible, a sheep in wolves clothing.
I find it hard to sleep at night because my mind is brimming with ideahs, dreams, and visions of the future. I can’t begin to express how grateful and excited I am. The Lord has given me yet another chance. We are so like little babes learning how to walk, we fall down and our loving Father picks us up, and says “try again lad.”
Thus far this has been a most pivotal, milestone experience and highlight of my life. Nobody really knows just how near to destruction I really was. If not for the grace of God I very well could have fell into the “deep end,” as they say. I realize now that going to the edge has always been in my nature. When I was very young, I think 5, my dad took my brother, my sister, and I to Multnomah Falls. If you grew up in the Pacific Northwest chances are you’ve been there yourself. We hiked the full mile to the top were a deck had been made so visitors can literally stand above the point where the water breaks to make its descent. One gets a sense of accomplishment once you reach this deck. To my sister, Jessi, if you’re reading this, you’re a cheater because you were on dad’s shoulders most of the time. Just like at Stonehenge. In any case, when nobody was looking I squeezed through the metal bars with two feet resting on mossy, wet rocks, one hand holding on to a bar, and a death wish in the other. I think the reason for doing this was because I couldn’t see directly down enough to satisfy my curiosity. My dad’s back was turned, and he noticed a group of ladies staring directly behind him with eyes as big as cabbages. He picked me up with one mighty arm, lips pressed white together, and a glare fierce enough to shrink a savage dawg as he proceeded to publicly paddle my skinny brown butt, and to my humiliation an approving crowd clapping encouragingly, and repeating “good daddy,” heads bobbing like bobble heads. Yes, even now I remember the scene.
Grandpa, remember telling us grand kids how children will push, and push to see how much they can get away with? Well that attitude coupled with my thrill seeking personality is what I realize now was a major contributing factor to me developing addictions. In the words of the Navajo from the movie Young Guns, “bad medicine my friend.
When I first discovered drugs at the age of 13, first weed, I became fascinated with altering my reality. I was like *wow that was cool, I wonder what this will do?* Weed turned to cocaine, cocaine turned to meth, alcohol joined in, and I started smoking cigarettes. Sometimes I’d mix and match drugs. I’ve done ecstasy, vicatin, snorted crushed Ritalin pills, perkiset, smoked oxy-contin on tin foil at 80$ a pill! Opium, Hash, Psychedelic mushrooms gymsum weed, cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid, whippets, acid. The only thing I haven’t tried was Heroin, and peyote or shot up anything with needles *thank God*, but I’m sure at the time I would have tried it if it was available.
On an alter of drugs I had sacrificed the innocents of my youth. I should be in a rubber room right now instead of this re-enforced concrete room with petrified boogers on the walls. Who can grab coals, and not get burned?
Then when I was 15 years old I nearly died of a drug overdose at a drug festival called “Barter Faire” at a town near boundary dam on the border of Canada, and Washington State. Scenes from the movie The Postman with Kevin Costner were filmed there, just a fun fact…anyways
*sniff..sniff..It smells like stale, two month old Filipino in here, I can’t wait to take a normal shower, this is sad I don’t know whether to laugh or cry?*
Ok, I know I joke, but what I’m about to tell you is serious business, I’m eternally blessed, some are not so fortunate, including a very dear friend of mine, Lori, who died in a bathtub because of Meth. Cradling her knees to here chest scared as hell.
It’s all a wee bit fuzzy, but I remember the stars being exceedingly brilliant, the milky way stretching across the sky, seeing the northern lights for the first time, and hundreds of people everywhere, tents, trailers, cars, a music stage, even kids running around naked, pot smoke everywhere, drum circles, people bartering homemade goods, homegrown goods, and my fingers looking like octopus tentacles?...What the heck? Ok I was really high on mushrooms, among other things, you can never be 100% sure, and I was on a mission to get as messed up as possible. Well I was sitting next to a campfire, my vision was blurring, people started to sway like a candle flame, and my head feeling like it was in a vice and my liver vibrating…or was it my pancreas? I dunno I’m an artist not a doctor. Then nothing.
Blackout
I don’t know how much time went by, but all of a sudden it felt like my spirit rushing back into my body is the only way I know how to describe it. Whether or not I had just experienced a real “out-of-body” experience I can’t say for certain, or it just being the drugs is a mystery, all I know is as soon as that rushing into myself sensation happened I gasped a deep breath, and jumped to my feet quite quickly. I knew something strange had occurred only not sure what. I was surrounded by hippies or at least hippie wanna-be’s, and they said I was twitching in the dirt, and that it looked like something was bubbling or crawling in my neck. I remember on guy saying “are you ok man, dude you just fell?”
There I was 15 almost 16, 500 or so miles from home, I had ran away with my so-called “friends” none of whom, by the way, tried to help, nor were they around to help. I assume they were busy being lost amongst the lost. All this, and I nearly died, my only words of comfort being “dude man, you just fell.”
This experience scared me tremendously, I was my own worst enemy, and I knew I had to save myself from myself. Around this time I was really searching for answers, I began reading a lot of new age material and became fascinated with the soul and spirit. I’d lock myself in my room, shut off my lights, and duck under a bunch of covers in a closed closet so as to get completely away from light. I would then press the palms of my hands on my eyeballs, and watch the inner lights of my own being morph and dance into all sorts of shapes on the back of my eyelids. I began reading my bible you gave me on my 14th Birthday, and started praying. I didn’t realize I was actually taking a step towards God...At the time that is. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8)
“Love is the art of hearts, and the heart of arts”
-Philip James Bailey-
One would assume that such an experience would have killed my curiosity, but as we have seen with my life such was not the case. I can see now that God allows us to make mistakes, to be filled to the full of our own ways, like a dog returning to its’ own vomit, till wake up, and realize *you know what? This is freakin gross man* And I can fill this whole page with scriptural applications. See (Proverbs 14:14) for one
It is my personal belief that God spared me that night in the woods at Barter Fair, knowing He had bigger plans for my life. In fact I’m quite sure of it….
“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord! And I will bring you back from your captivity: I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places were I have driven you, says the Lord! And I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
It was the summer of 2001, Y2K turned out to be a big sham, and America was about to get a huge sucker punch on the 11th day of September…Or was it a sucker punch?
In any case, I came to Shiloh Farm to visit you, and grandma, and boy did I pull the wool over your eyes. I knew it would be hard for me to get in trouble down there in Oregon, and that God-shaped hole inside of me was searching for the missing piece of the puzzle only He can fill through faith in Jesus, and that goes for everyone. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
You, and grandma spent 95$ for me to go to the church camp, Elkanah, with the Spray Assembly, and pastor John King. 95$ is a lot of money, I grew up poor so it was like a thousand dollars to me. Although I was grateful, I was thinking at the time that you two were wasting your money. Within my sinful self I mocked the idea. My thoughts about this church camp were like *This is going to be retarded, a bunch of misfit kids holding hands, and singing koom-by-yah around a campfire, how gay, maybe I can corrupt a goody-goody Christian girl or something.*
How disgusting, how arrogant, and totally foolish was my thinking! Such were my plans, but God had His plans also, plans to give me “a future and a hope.”
For two days I watched other people respond to the alter calls at the end of each worship service. Kids, teens, and adults alike were getting saved before my very eyes. The Spirit of God could be felt, there was no mistaking it. All around me people were full of joy. Their faith was sincere, they were excited, and I could sense that it was genuine. I wanted it! I wanted to know the reason behind the tears then the joyful laughter following them. *did somebody put ecstasy in the coffee pots?* I wondered. How is it that they jump, and shout making joyful noises with their hands out-stretched to the sky without being embarrassed? I thought I knew it all, after all I went to Sunday school when I was a little kid, and that means I know all there is to know about this God business right?
Remember when I was in the children’s choir at Basin City Baptist Church? I used to sing “I may never march in the infantry, ride in the Calvary, shoot the artillery, because I’m in the Lords army?”
Well the third night rolled along, and that whole day I had been wrestling with the idea of responding to one of these alter calls, I was trying to gather up the courage to walk up to the front of the crowds. I wanted to badly, something was tugging at me, yet at the same time my mind was being filled with all kinds of doubts. *What will they think of me? What if I look stupid? *
I talked with pastor John King about it. He said “well, do you feel anything?” I said “yeah, sometimes I get prickly feelings on the back of my neck, and the little hairs on my arms stand on end.” John told me that, “when you’re sitting in your seat during these alter calls, and you get the ‘prickly’ feelings, it’s like sitting next to a pool with other kids playing in it…your only getting the splashes, you need to just stand up, and jump on in…trust me the water is fine!” With a smile on his face, that signature laugh of his, and a sparkle in his eyes, he patted me on the shoulder, and led our little group in prayer.
Since I was born again in 2001 that makes me a 10-year-old child of God. Personally, I believe that when we get that “tugging and prickly” sensation, that need to jump into the pre-verbal “pool” …an angel of the Lord is gently nudging, and encouraging us to move forward. How flattering is that?
In any case, the word was preached, and now the moment I had been thinking about all day had come…the call to repentance. The speaker was yelling “salvation is here! Come, come! Don’t look to the right or to the left, don’t worry about what your neighbor thinks, just come!” The whole time the worship team was playing sweet music, singing “I can sing of your love forever” this was it. *God let this be for real* I thought.
I started walking down the aisle, then speed walking, then running, and as soon as I had reached the front I just dropped to my knees, and on my face DUDE MAN, I JUST FELL!! It was instantaneous, for the first and only time it was like God played pick-a-boo with me. He let me feel Him! He opened up my mind and knowledge of Him flowed like a mighty river! I fell in love instantly, no high on this earth can compare to the infinite love of our creator! Never ever, ever have I felt such an amazing love, it was pure, it just kept pouring on me as if I was standing below a waterfall of love, I thought I was going to burst, I couldn’t contain it, it was beyond understanding, and it wasn’t just for a short moment, it kept pulsating, throbbing with power, and increasing, till I had to ask enough! It was really Him! Jesus is so so real! All I could do was cry profusely and say to Him “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Lord, please forgive me, please live in my heart, please wash away my sins, please, please, please show yourself to my family, and all my friends because they need you so much,” I don’t know how, but I knew that I was at his feet, but I didn’t feel worthy to look up, I thought the pouring stopped, and I tried to stand up, then he cranked the love faucet on a little higher, and I fell back down and cried some more, ( I discovered a year later in my readings that flesh cannot stand against the glory of the Lord).
My “sorry, sorry” turned into “thank you, thank you” and I started to laugh, not funny ‘ha ha’ laughing, but pure unadulterated joy laughter from my spirit, I rebuked the devil, and yelled out loud, tears streaming down my face, eyes red, and fierce with anger “YOU CAN’T GET ME ANYMORE, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!” Then I laughed at him, and called him a “loser” which probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but I was thoroughly pissed off man, when I realized how much destruction he has wreaked upon the whole human race it made me so utterly sad and mad at the same time. That knowledge alone, and with the thought of all your loved ones in mind, should be enough to make you want to fight back.If that doesn't get your fire burning then your wood is wet.
The worship, and act of worshiping God, was soooo intense and powerful, because He himself came to visit us. We praised the creator of the heavens and the earth with utmost sincerity of heart, the world around us fading away in obscurity at His presence. Time ceased to exist, nobody wanted to stop, I think by the time we had stopped it was 2 in the morning and we started at 7 in the evening. None of the adults dared try to stop it, there was no denying what was happening here in the wood of eastern Oregon. We all knew it and yet we all knew that this small taste was but for a moment in time, and that we would be flung back into the hustle and bustle of an ignorant and helplessly fallen world. Mankind concocting every possible contrivance to fill that hole inside of himself, not realizing that what his soul is really trying to speak to him is that we were made for God and only He can bring fulfillment. The day you truly realize this, o reader, will be the day you wipe your own brow and be like *holy smokes I’m glad I figured this out before it was too late* phew!
For that brief and beautiful moment in time, 300 or so of Oregon’s own youth were literally reborn. We shared each other’s birthday. We were on fire! I was completely broken, my shirt, my pants, and the carpet below me all soaked with my tears, our tears, all around me others lay broken on the forest floor, I could scarcely fathom what was actually occurring, totally awe struck, it was more real than reality as we know it, imagine how you would feel if you took a knife, jabbed it in the air and light bursting through and poking your head inside realizing that this whole time there really always was an invisible realm beyond the physical. In fact it is the things that last forever, that we cannot see. This life is about learning to love, to grow in wisdom and the knowledge of God, and to do God’s will, because when you leave your body the only thing you can take with you is the strength of which you learned to love, the wisdom of your mind, ‘the things you can’t see but are there’, and you only get to keep it if you asked Jesus to live inside your heart. You must understand that God is holy. You can’t go on pissing on the cross that He sent His son to die on for all of us, because of sin, doing whatever it is you do that separates you from God thinking you can just waltz right into heaven. And you, O reader, if you are not saved, how bitter will your wailings be after having read this? When you are in Hell, I tell you the truth, this letter will be part of your torment, the knowledge that you had a chance, but didn’t take it, you will claw at your own skull. Even if you don’t believe, would you risk it? Is it not worth making an effort to really search this out, to truly draw near to God in faith and say to him inside yourself “if you are real prove it, cause me to know you, I want to know you Jesus I want to know that these Christians aren’t just some ‘religious fanatics’ Needing something to make them feel good, prove yourself to me.” Go ahead, challenge God, trust me you can't shake Him.
While we were in this state of brokenness, under the light of God revealing the truth of things, a boy about my age was beside me, we instinctively knew that we were brothers, we hugged each other and it was strange because I never met him before in my life yet I loved him, I said “I love you” we laughed, and he said “I know I love you too” lol.
The Lord began to flash images of my own life in my head. There was that lady in the white volts wagon in Rufus Oregon taking us to church, God was there! You and grandma bringing my brother, and sister, and I presents on Christmas, reading to us at night before bedtime, and praying at the dinner table, God was there! Then the Lord let me know, as a matter of fact, that yes, even as I lay balled up on the ground fetal position, next to a campfire twitching, and convulsing off of drugs, people walking right past me stoned out of their minds, the sound of hippie drum circles beating sporadically, Godless people dancing around, and not a damn one of them about to ruin all the fun by calling some form of authority to rescue and save me, like a baby left in a desert naked and alone …yes, even then, God was there!
And now, once more, upon another forest floor, this time at the foot of the cross, without words He spoke to my heart so tenderly…”My heart churns within Me; My sympathy is stirred. I will not execute the fierceness of My anger, I love you so deeply, I have loved you with an everlasting love, with unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you. It was I who taught you how to walk, leading you along by the hand. I led you along with my ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from your neck, and I Myself stooped to feed you. Oh how can I give you up?” (Hosea...somewhere)
I realize that perhaps nobody has heard this account of my testimony, it’s been locked inside of me up until now, and I just felt that it needed to come out. As for the things that have occurred since I was saved up to where I am now, sitting in this cell at Benton County Jail with an extremely numb butt, that is an account of things not necessary to bring up, It would be redundant to tell you of the many hundreds of parties and mischief and tales of a backslidden lifestyle. Praise God, they are now dead and gone. Basically I still had to learn my lessons the hard way.
I can tell you about being molested as a child, me and my sister both at the hands of our babysitter, I can sing you songs of tragedy, of friends who lost their souls, of the demon possessed, I can tell you of poverty and homelessness, of rejection, and a broken heart, abuse, loss, ridicule, bondage and captivity, pain and depression. Indeed my life is a cornucopia of major life changing experiences, and this is yet another bump in the road. If you were to open me up inside, you will find that I’m a gallery of heart break…I can attest that our advisory the devil is indeed like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He comes to steal all the blessings that are yours in a life in the freedom of Christ, to steal what could have been, to steal your happiness, to kill all that is good, to kill you in your sins, to destroy everything that you love and hold dear, to take you down with him. What can men do against such consuming hatred, and evil? Without our King Jesus…nothing I tell you, not a dang thing…
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta-
When Shayla left me…and rightfully so…I became selfish and withdrawn, I didn’t care about much anymore, and tried to drink away her memory. I simply lost sight of that which was most important, and started to believe that I was worthless, and I’ll always be a loser picking up cigarettes out of ash-trays. I had screwed up everything that meant anything to me, and I was destined to be a screw up my whole life. She bore our most precious, and adorable baby boy, Joshua Ethan McLane, not just a little human baby made in the very image of God, but a McLane.
I pretty much lost my family, I wasn’t myself anymore, I punched a bouncer at a club and got my butt kicked, I got a tattoo which I regret, I was a rebellious prodigal, I slept with a photographer knowing she was married! And even though I made good money welding I drank it all away, squandered it on a life of revelry. I’d stumble to my hotel room like a sailor tossed at sea, waking up with blood-shot eyes, and bruises all over, not being able to remember how I got them. I made a sorry attempt at changing my ways when I came to you, and went to Calvary Ranch, yet I still didn’t learn my lesson, what was my consequence?
8 years lost!
And the devil pointing the finger, mocking God, saying “what do you think about this little image of yourself now?!” As I’ve woken up so many times in my own piss and vomit.
To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure at first whether I should tell these things. I’m not proud of any of it, that is why at the beginning of this letter I asked that you judge me with your heart. I’ve done a lot of growing up in here. I’ve learned that one major fiasco, however varied, does not mean ones whole life is a failure. What if Abraham was only remembered as a deceiver, Moses and Jonah as disobedient to God, or David as a murder? Despite their sins, these men are remembered for their persevering faith: “who through faith…out of weakness were made strong”(Hebrews 11:33-34) and that verse you sent me (Job 22:23): If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up.”
For those of you who know me personally, I don’t blame you for your doubts, I’ve been messed up as a substance abuser for so long. That’s ok, I understand, I can’t wait to show you how I’m a love addict now!
I want to share this ancient legend with you, I believe its Persian…
(One day, a wicked, ugly, and selfish man saw a beautiful young woman who captured his heart. Wanting to court her, he put on a Prince Charming mask. He portrayed the part so well that he won the maidens hand. Five years after their marriage, a long time enemy showed up on the scene who sought to destroy the image the man had assumed. He snatched off the man’s disguise. To everyone’s amazement, the face beneath the handsome mask was no longer that of a wretched and selfish man. He had actually turned into Prince Charming!)
The lesson of the legend is that we become what we commit to and focus on all the time. The apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 3:18, “but we all, with open face beholding as in glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the spirit of the Lord.”
For the past 58 days, I’ve been locked in a cold cell, 21 hours a day, eating cat food sandwiches with nothing, but my Bible, and your letters to keep me warm, all because a girl I thought loved me, that I loved, tore my heart out, and I went out and got super drunk at a bar and decided to steal a case of beer! I have done nothing, but eat, sleep, cry, pray, and read my Bible. Guess how many times she wrote me? Once, to tell me she found someone else after only a week, then she sent me pictures of herself telling me to never forget her, and the one time we talked in here she told me to learn how to be a mechanic so I can fixed her car. She said she was getting a tattoo on her back of a dragon. Well good luck with that dragon-lady, I feel sorry for you.
I missed Christmas with my son, had my birthday behind bars, and now here it is Valentine ’s Day, yet I feel so good inside, and driven, Stronger than ever. The hurt may always be there, but every time I think about her being with somebody else I do about a 1,000 pushups, pull-ups and sit ups, and replace it with the Bible and the thought that there is someone far better out there for me, who can match the flame inside me.
I’m 25 years old now; I’ve had a Peter Pan complex for far too long. You know the whole *I don’t wanna grow up” attitude? Sometimes drunk or not, I would cry uncontrollably with the *weight of everything”, and if you were to ask me why, I wouldn’t be able to give you a reason, there just isn’t any word to describe it. To give an account of every shattered piece of your heart is a hurt only God can see. Most people, even ones closest to me think I’m just a wuss, or a big baby. But they have no clue what I’ve been through. Not that I’m exclusively special, for we are all trees in life’s great forest, and when the fires come, and they will, we all get burned. Most people will suffer losses in their lives both great and small. Tragedy comes in a myriad of forms. Sadly many people may never recover. When I thought I was going to prison I wanted to kill myself, I literally closed my eyes and tried to will myself to die. I wished I had never been born. I would think about sticking my head in the toilet and inhaling water, or waiting till razor day and crawl under my bunk and slit myself from the inside of my elbows to my wrists and bleed to death. I wanted to really bad because It became almost unbearable, I felt like God had left me and my life was over, I would never know happiness so what’s the point. But I would see my sons face and that last little light in the darkness that was now my world, that last glimmer of hope became my saving grace. After days of just laying there staring at the wall empty inside, turning down every tray of food. From the bottom of this pit I cried out to God for the sake of my son *Please God, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me, set me free and I swear with all that is in me I will serve you*
I began reading my Bible, it was the only thing that gave me comfort, Gods word was all I had left, Gods word is the only real property we have or thats worth more than anything else. It is written "man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" Then I read what the apostle Paul said, and I can say with him “and he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Read also Psalm 107, it is the theme of this chapter of my life. It describes me to a T. When I fought the forest fire, the "Link Fire", near Sisters Oregon, I learned that even a mighty forest can make a thriving comeback following the most devastating of fires, In fact, periodic fires are needed to ensure large forests can thrive; the fires clear away the undergrowth that can choke out light, nutrients, and water. The world is full of broken people who have learned to triumph and to rise again from the ashes just like the mythical phoenix. I’ve discovered the key to surviving forest fires, is that what’s inside a person needs to be bigger than what’s on the outside, that thing that hits you so freaking hard and knocks you on your butt. Its no great secret, we’ve heard His name so many times before..Jesus!!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us AGAIN to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuiness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love, though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith the salvation of your souls.”
Grandpa…grandma, some time…if time even exists…a trillion earth years from now, for all eternity, out of all the hosts of heaven, you two will be particularly special and precious to me…thank you for planting the seed and watering it. I realize I’m probably the most expensive tree you have ever nurtured. Thank you for being there at my trial, I wasn’t expecting anybody to be there for me, and when I saw you two, tears began to well up in my eyes, and I struggled to keep my composure. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but if you go home before I do, I promise to live life in such a way that you’ll be smiling down upon me from heaven above.
I told you that I found purpose in my life in my last letter…curious to know what??? Well, after much prayer, and a serious self evaluation, I began to asses myself. What am I good at? What Do I love doing? What do I want to be remembered for? How can I glorify God? I’m certain this is my calling, I’ll just come right out, and say it…..*deep breath*….
I want to be a drug and alcohol councilor, and a youth pastor, and if the Lord wills it, someday a senior pastor, or whatever God's will is for my life, all i know is I NEED to be in the ministry in some way, my constant prayer is that HIs will be done, that people would see Him not me, that my thoughts and the meditations of my heart be right and true. all the while becoming the artist and painter He made me to be. My dream is to get some property, and build a rehabilitation camp, “Camp Shiloh”, for teens, young adults, even older adults whoever is in need of deliverance from their chains.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33)
I want work side by side with Teresa Dunn and her horse ranch, and integrate all the tools I’ve acquired from Calvary Ranch, and Camp Elkanah. Perhaps the tithe money can go towards creating other camps, I saw a picture the other day of a Haitian orphan that made me cry. I wanted to pick him up, cloth him, feed him, and give him a warm bed to sleep in so badly. I want to fight against the enemy, free captives, and be a light in this world because I’m thoroughly pissed off with a righteous anger. But more than anything I want to honor the King and cast my own crown at His feet, not just for shedding His precious blood and died for our sins, but simply because He deserves all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise forever and ever.
I plan on turning my own testimony into a book called "lost and found", and since I love chick tracks so much I want to make tracks of my own using my God given talent to draw.
And What does our dear friend Charles Spurgeon have to say? “What a blessed thing it is that if the believer shall, in an evil hour, come into the net, yet God will bring him out of it! O backslider, be cast down, but do not despair. Wonderer though thou hast been, hear what thy Redeemer saith ‘Return, O backsliding children; I will have mercy upon you.’ But you say you cannot return for you are captive. Then listen to the promise ‘Surely He shall deliver thee out of the snare of the fowler’ Thou shalt yet be brought out of all evil into which thou hast fallen, and though thou shalt never cease to repent of thy ways, yet he that hath loved thee will not cast thee away: He will receive thee, and give thee joy and gladness, that the bones which He has broken may rejoice. No bird of paradise shall die in the fowler’s net!” (Psalm 91:3)
If you are not my grandparents, and you are reading this letter, and you don’t know Jesus as your savior, listen to me, I know what I’m talking about, I know the guy, and He’s in the business of changing lives, Jesus isn’t something to be shoved down people’s throats, give Him a shot, sit back, and watch your actions change, watch your priority’s change, your thinking, and everything, He works, I’m not “preaching” as they say, I’m simply sharing this love I found. I found the path leading to eternal life, and I stand at the entrance pointing the way! He’s just one prayer away, He is very near to you, He’s not some mythical icon or a lifeless nativity statue or a painting in a stained glass window, He lives, He loves you more than you’ll ever know and He is as real as the air you are breathing right now! Though you cannot see it, it’s there isn’t it, bringing life into you? For once in your life give Him a fully fledged chance, He died for you He deserves it, and yet you spent more time crying over your dead cat or dog. Do you have eyes to read? Read what He says “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” (Revelations 3:19-20)
Consider yourself rebuked.
“I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining.
I believe in love even when not feeling it.
I believe in God even when God is silent.”
-Inscription on the wall of a jewish hideout cologne, Germany WW11-
Listen folks, It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see that life is too perfect to be a mistake. If not a mistake then done intentionally by an all powerful intelligent being. God is a master artist, and when we look at this beautiful earth, the stars, and the galaxies it is a master piece beyond all human explanation, what a divine compliment it is that out of the infinite galaxies and universes of space the creator of it all would create us in His own image, on this little tiny speck in space, just a few degrees one way, and we all freeze. A few degrees the other and we all burn. We are so privileged, and that He would die for us, the implications are beyond human understanding. No wonder the devil got jealous and envious; don’t let that maniac take you down with him. There are no accidents people. And to you who have children, consider that love you feel as your child sleeps upon your chest, feel their little hearts beat, you can’t tell me that’s an accident. In the grand scheme of things, if we are honest with ourselves, we begin to see design, purpose, and the signature of love written everywhere. No building builds itself, no painting paints itself, how much more our beloved planet, and all of life.
Humankind has been elevated to a godlike status by the faulty philosophies of Darwinism and scientific materialism. They perceive the world and all of life as simply what our “natural senses” tell us. It says that “see is believing”, but I tell you that believing is seeing! Embracing these godless philosophies denies us any genuine aspirations to transcend a world that can be perceived by our senses alone. These beliefs make us each accidental, incidental, and meaningless. Through accepting the belief of God’s design, however we become related, reliant, and replete with meaning. We celebrate the scientific evidence that says we are irreducibly complex, original, beautiful, and integrated. We are all one in design and in our purpose to care for others and let the love of God flow through us to those around us.
“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so they are without excuse,” (Romans 1:20)
Since we are human beings that in tells that we are to BE something. We all have gifts, and if we use those gift and the fruits thereof to help others, and bring about blessings and goodness, we discover our own purpose, this is why Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is too “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind, this is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)
How beautiful is that! That reminds me, I used to clap my sons hands together, and say “you’re a little human, you’re a little human, yaaaay!” just to get that beautiful smile. LoL
To all the women of the world, I pose this question. When you were a little girl, did you ever want to be a princess? If Jesus is our King and we are all God’s children, well guess what? YOU ARE A PRINCESS! Where do you think the desire came from, God has put eternity in all our hearts. Ashley, do you remember when you, Sarah, Courtney, and I played in the John Day River, and Sarah and I would pick you up on our shoulders, and call you Princess Ashley? As far as I’m concerned, all of the woman I know are meant to be princess’s!
Ladies, don't waist the young years of your life on Godless men, there’s a world full of men hoping to take advantage of you by means of appealing to that desire in you for romance and to be appreciated, to feel beautiful and special, yet they are selfish and do not know the Lord, they hope to catch you drunk at a party, or whatever. Stay away from parties and such men. As a princess in God’s royal court it is not fitting for you. Don’t allow yourself to be used. You will end up broken hearted and empty because they do not know true love. God’s love and the Christian walk is what brings fulfillment. Keep trying to find it outside of God’s boundaries and see where it gets you. Meer human passions will NEVER Last. It teases and pleases for a while, then leaves you empty and craving more, with a horrible reputation, a diminished self image, and a twisted sense of real love to boot.
If we desire to know fulfillment in love we must choose to walk in personal commitment to God and to the people we lover first. That is the only way to rid ourselves of selfishness so that we can enjoy the fullness of love that God intended. As we make honest choices to know real love, we will have to face ourselves at our worst. Only then can God begin to change us and reveal the reality of love that He wants us to experience. Because God is love, He alone can define love at its finest for us. See (1 Corinthians 13) read the whole chapter carefully. Jennifer I know you’re getting married soon, congratulations. My only advice is to try and stay away from the words “I, Me, and my” both you and your husband try to use the pronouns: “we, our, and us” studies show that couples who do this last longer. Jessi, do what you do best…copy me! Read your Bible every day, you wouldn’t want me to grow wiser than you would you? Micheal you must seek to know the Lord, you owe it to yourself, and to kai. You are strong, but how will you war against things of the spirit, you mind as well be punching the wind. You must be a guiding light for him. Mom…Dad….Watch your son move mountains!
To everyone, I love you, happy Valentine’s Day. I’ll be getting out soon, as a brand new, rebuilt Ian McLane. This is not just a letter to my grandpa and grandma; it is my love letter to all who read, from the well spring of my heart. And finally this last paint stroke, aimed at you two, my beloved Grandparents.
Do you remember when I was a small child in the Sunday school choir at Basin City Baptist Church? I sure do, being up there singing in front of all those people makes a kid nervous. However, seeing you both staring at me with glowing smiles, I knew you were proud of me, and that was encouraging. Now that I look at it, in a way, you are more than just my grandparents, you’re my guardian angels. I didn’t know at the time, nor could I have, but the words I was singing were not just some silly childish Sunday school song. They came true! For I will never march in the infantry or ride in the cavalry, nor will I ever shoot any artillery shells, BECAUSE I’M IN THE LORDS ARMY!!!
What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he finds it, I tell you, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” -Jesus- Matt 18:13
Sincerely,
The Little wondering sheep. Lost and found, and lost and found again.
Ian Christopher McLane
